After_Still (anti_social) wrote in raisingirls,
After_Still
anti_social
raisingirls

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i hurt myself today. . .

I am sitting here at my computer thinking about life and the experiances that come along with it.I have learned so many things and i do not want to give anything up for anyone because if i did that would make me as bad as those people who go out of their way to hurt you.I know i have been knocked down but i wont cry it out loud.not even for you.I am looking at my picture of shirley manson of Garbage and i am thinking of how much i can relate to her.I mean she is the most amazing woman in the whole world.She suffered from self injury disorder when she was younger.I feel sometimes that she is the only person who understands my disorder because as a child she suffered from this condition.I know this seems really petty and mundane but i just thought that i would take the time to thank her for everything that she has done for me.I love you Garbage.With that being said i just want to help others with these problems cause i know it is really hard to deal with and i know the best thing that you can do is talk about it and get it out of you.I think that if you do not talk about it , in time it will eat you alive and you be just a walking corpse and thats not something that is ideal for someone , not you aggree ?Now i am here thinking about life in general and how it changes with every hour and how i wish i could break your heart and give you mine.I must admit because i am happy that does not mean i still don't think about my past lovers and think about how they hurt me and how i hurt myself in the process.I know i am crazy but i cannot change these feelings and to be honest if i did not have those feelings of sadness and depression i would not be what i am today , do you understand what i am saying ?

With every word i say i think , is this real ? am i real or am i ghost lie ? I know i am really strange and i am sure that with everything i say most of you are thinking , what the fucking is he talking about ? but you have to realize if you are asking these questions then there is no point of me anwsering those questions because , well you must be pretty stupid.I know that is really mean but it is the truth.I cannot change that and in all reality and what have you i will not change it.I am just gald that i have my friends in perth too keep me happy , but even more so i have to thank Luci for being there for me , to keep me happy and to try to help me when i really needed help.I love you luci.I know i have mad it really hard on you these past couple of weeks but i am trying really hard to do right by you and i know thats all i can do.I love you.I just found my old disk and i am going to start looking at old songs i have writting and trying to make something good out of them.I also cannot wait till i get everything in order because then i will start working even more so on my music career.It is really werid cause my mother supports me in my music career, she has never supported me in anything in my whole life.I mean she still does not support me in going back to Australia , but i know i need to do this if i am to advance in my musical career.

I just looked outside and there are snow flurries and i am like , what the fuck ?! and i am saying that because yesterday it was hot as fuck and now its fucking cold.I am feeling cold,maybe that is because i am in my boxers and i am not wearing a shirt and well the window is open.I really wish i had closed the window last night.I know i am stupid for not shutting the window but shit dude i diddnt think it swould start snowing.I feel cold so now i am going to close the window.Now the window is closed and now i am going to eat some of my vegan salad with some soy milk.I know i am werid but thats the kind of food i like.Now i am working not quiting smoking and cutting all together.I am going to throw my razor blades,needles,and cigarettes away although i do not want to.I think i really need to do this because if i do not i will just get worse and start cutting again.maybe even using heroine again.Thats something i did not want to do, its something that i do not want to do cause if i do i am afraid i will become that monster again and i do not want luci to have to go threw that again.

I am thinking of buying a website , i might get a homestead profession website when i get the money.I really hope luci will turn my journal into a paid livejournal soon cause that would be mega cool and i would really like that cause i would be able to do alot of things that i cannot do with a free account.I got a account for my friend juju , her user name is alarm_call , i am going to tell her about her journal soon , you see it was a suprise.I know that she really wanted a livejournal and i just thought that it would be really cool if i got her a livejournal.i know i am really werid like that but i like to do nice things for my friends and i really want them all happy cause i do not want them to because the monster that i once was.I feel like it is my job to help everyone get threw their pain by showing them my pain , kinda like kissing the one you love.and in that cause that would be lucy for me.I love you luci.and you mean everything to me.I think i will make her some user icons and what have you.I do not know when i will see her again but i really hope that it is really soon cause i miss her.I miss my luci even more and i miss everyone in perth.Where is my kieron ???? *cries* I know i am really werid and what have you.I say what have you you and shit like that a lot i really need to find some new words like pickle weasel or cum bubble or something along those line.I know i need something new.see you kids later.

-northern ladd-
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